Wow, thank you! This particular error had to do with an old PHP version. I was unlucky enough that all of my test environments were using the latest version of PHP (this will change).
In the future, I’ll run all updates through beta testers (I’ll be making an announcement shortly for those of you who want to sign up and help me out).
I want everyone to trust the updates I put out, so days like today hurt – but I’ll learn from it and it won’t happen again!
Thanks again for understanding!