That said Tom, you and David have helped me a lot. Unless you have any other ideas on how to fix this, I don’t want to use up any more of your time on this. Otherwise I’ll feel horrible the next time I have to ask a question!
Right now my make-shift solution will have to be:
1. No-indexing a random post to enable the author archive.
2. Accepting that the post snippet is going to be gibberish for all my pages that have a table of contents.
In any case, thank you VERY MUCH for your help David & Tom 🙂